So, here’s a play that I wrote a while back. I placed my fingers on my keyboard and wrote until I finished -Ok, maybe I took a few breaks in between-. Point is, I didn’t read it until I finished, and when I did, I changed nothing except grammatical errors and the names. It contains really broad comedy.

Just kidding, it’s not funny at all. Enjoy Staff Members! (Please, let’s come up with some sort of cool nickname for our staff. I like C-T-S-I-S. It flows when you say it quickly).

BILLY

 (Shaking Dean) Wake up.  Wake up. Come on now. (Gets very close to his
ear and screams) Get up man.

DEAN

(Wakes up alarmed,
sits up quickly and covers up) (Shouts.) What happened?

BILLY

Oh my god man..
Wow. Totally didn’t see that one coming. (Inhales air through teeth) (whispers)
Does your mother know you sleep naked?

DEAN

Billy..what are you
doing here? How’d you even get in my room?

BILLY

The door.

DEAN

It’s locked.

BILLY

..Anyways, I was so
excited for the first day of high school, I made sandwiches for both of us.

DEAN

No, Billy, I
thought you said we were going to be cool this year.

BILLY

We..are!

DEAN

Cool  kids don’t make sandwiches for each other.

BILLY

…But I.. (Makes
sad face.)

DEAM

(Opens window,
Throws it out)

BILLY

Why?

DEAN

 Sorry, man. I’m just..I’m just nervous. I want
everything to go right. You know?

BILLY

It’s okay. I
understand. So..you notice anything different?

DEAN

No.

BILLY

Yes, there’s
something. I’m not letting you give up just yet my little porcupine.

DEAN

Billy, shut up.

BILLY

Okay, you guessed
it. I’m filling out. And..I look awesome.

DEAN

Name one part of
your body that’s actually filling out.

BILLY

My..um..name one
part of your body that isn’t filled out.

DEAN

I’m serious.

BILLY

So am I, you’re fat.

DEAN

I’m not trying to
offend you, Billy.

BILLY

I’m sorry. I’m a
bit cranky. Yesterday I lost to mother in our weekly game of Mancala and I just
can’t take it. I always loose! (whines)

DEAN

(Dean awkwardly
steps away and decides to change the subject after a few moments)

So, did you
practice those pick up lines I told you about?

BILLY

Yeah, want to hear
a few?

DEAN

Hit me.

BILLY

(Attempts a
seductive pose. Licks his lips and winks.)

DEAN

What are
you…trying to do?

BILLY

Seduce her,
obviously. Okay, here goes: Hey baby (winks), you look like you should (winks)
be on that show (winks) ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’

DEAN

Why are you winking
so much?

BILLY

It’s part of my
‘game’ man.

DEAN

You have no ‘game’.
THIS, is game. Watch and learn.(Slightly lifts shirt, just enough to expose
belly button) Hey, (Makes voice extremely deep) did you use some sort of elixir
to grow out your hair? It’s shiny and vibrant.

BILLY

Complementing her
hair? Why didn’t I think of that? Brilliant. More.

DEAN

Okay. Do you need a
Magnum? Because I’ve got one right here for you. In my pants.

BILLY

How do you..do it?

DEAN

Simple, you have to
have that pimp mentality.

BILLY

What’s a pimp?

 

DEAN

I don’t know, I saw
it on Discovery Channel.

BILLY

Awesome! So, how do
I get that pimp mentality thing?

DEAN

I don’t know. Find
it within you.

BILLY

Within me?

DEAN

Yes within you.

BILLY

So..within me?

DEAN

Yes, Billy.

BILLY

Wow, within me.

DEAN

Stop repeating the
same thing over again.

BILLY

We’re going to be
so cool. All those kids from middle school are going to be like: How’d they do
that? How’d they suddenly get so cool?

DEAN

And girls will be
all over us.

BILLY

Wow (whispers
admiringly) women. Do you think we might actually get a chance to see one without
a shirt on?

DEAN

Maybe.

 

BILLY

Wow, I never
thought the day would come.

DEAN

Wait..you’ve never
seen a girl without a shirt on?

BILLY

Actually,-

DEAN

(Cuts him off)
-Besides your mother.

BILLY

Oh, well…(Pause)
No.

DEAN.

So, I hope this
isn’t weird or anything, but can you leave?

BILLY

But I thought we
were bonding.

DEAN

Yeah, but..i’m
still naked under my covers.

BILLY

Oh! Got you. Sure
thing, porcupine! (Opens door and begins to walk out)

DEAN

Oh.. Billy, please
don’t call me that.

BILLY

Sure thing, dawg.(Closes door behind him)

DEAN

I’m screwed.